Everyone Has an Asshole

This is a work of satire. It is based in part on a conversation overheard while waiting in a terminal for a connecting flight during a layover. It was one of those lovely one-sided conversations spoken into a phone, right next to me so it was like he was talking to me but I couldn’t respond, I added what I thought the other person might be saying but seriously some of the things he said I couldn’t have made up. 

Hey you old sonofabitch. How they hangin’? Good, waiting to fly home. Scoping out some airport tail. You know it bro.

Opinions are like assholes and everyone’s got one right?

You mentioned last time I saw you that you didn’t really like McCain but would proly vote for him anyway and were worried about voting for Obama because you fear he’ll raise taxes. The promise of another Republican administration could mean you’ll salvage some bit of your retirement. I assume that is merely one small piece of your decision making pie. After all, you don’t live hand to mouth anymore but you definitely don’t want to work till you drop dead either. That little condo by the shore seems like a good place to spend those golden years right?

Did you know the cumulative debt of the United States in the past 5 completed fiscal years was approximately $2.78 trillion, or about 29.5% of the total national debt of ~$9.5 trillion? I know! Crazy right? I just wikipedia’d that on my crackberry and there it was.

That doesn’t include the proposed 700 billion dollar bailout plan of our failing banking system. If your only beef with Obama is the fear that he will raise taxes, you most likely breath with your mouth open. I’m just fuckin’ with ya.

I know most dems are all about watching Unicorns piss rainbows. Stroking the hope cock and waiting to get faced with a load of utopia right? Ha. I’m sure you’ve done the research necessary to make a sound choice in November, just like you did last time.

I think you had told me in 2000 that Bush would make a good president because you thought he was funny and would be a fun guy to have a beer with and I concurred vehemently after we shot gunned those beers at the Broncos season opener. Then in 2004 you held steadfast and voted for him again. I didn’t even bother but I was so present for that one mentally bro.

I mean, who wants a dude that looks like Frankenstein running the country right? If it ain’t broke, well you know the rest.

Of course we had a laugh about the Gitmo thing, just ignore the Geneva Convention and get the intel so they can keep us safe right. I practically filled my mouth with miller lite and bits of ball park frank laughing about Haliburton’s no bid contracts and the fact Cheney still draws a paycheck from them. Alberto Gonzalez and Valerie Plame, shit I bust my gut just thinking about it. Bet Scooter’s got a nice little place and two dozen acre’s somewhere down in the keys. And Abu Ghraib, dang ol’ boy couldn’t even mumble that name right, he’s like a cute retarded cowboy.

You already know all this of course. Its practically etched into the back of your eyes and whenever you’re having a bad day, you can just recall those “WMD’s” and have yourself a giggle. I know I don’t need to mention “Mission Accomplished” or when the senate passed amnesty for the telecoms while simultaneously expanding the domestic spying act. Even Obama voted for that because if he didn’t he knew everyone wouldn’t only think he was a Patriotism averse muslim but he didn’t care that the bill would further stomp on our constitution in the name of freedom. Those dems probably think he’s doing that to keep face and fall in line so he doesn’t give any folks on the fence call to toss their lot in with McCain, knowing when he gets in office he’ll whip out his wand and he and Harry Potter will magic the world back into shape.

Just cause our parents and us have fucked up things for our children and our childrens children doesn’t mean we should suffer for it. I know that’s kind of a fucked up thing to say but, hey, it’s social darwinism right? That’s what we have kids for – to clean up our messes and make sure each successive generation doubles the mistakes of the previous? Then when we are old and represent the majority of the voting public, like our parents and grandparents now do, we can run this fucker straight into the ground without recourse or remorse.

So getting back to this tax thing, that doesn’t bother me so much as the fact that he’s black.

Shit, they just canceled my flight. I’m gonna have some scotch and try and bang this waitress…