Journal of Experimental Fiction: 39 (War Splicing)

I’m very happy to announce that my piece War Splicing has recently been published in the Journal of Experimental Fiction: 39. You can grab a copy on the old Amazon. I don’t get any cheddar or royalties for copies sold. JEF is published by Depth Charge and Civil Coping Mechanisms. Lots of great and innovative writers have appeared in the Journal. I’m thrilled to be part of it!


Articulating the Pocket

Designer Rebel

Espousing Jihad Chic: Olive Drab Shemagh Kafiya; Duo-tone Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses; Desert-Camo iPhone Case; Versace bomb belt; hand-sewn Cavalli bandolier; Kalashnikov w/ USB and headphone jack (dig the latest Faakhir Mehmood); KidRobot branded SIM-card reprogrammer (screen printed to look like an IED). Balaà, coolest mutha fuckin’ insurgent in Karachi.


Federal Bureau of In Your Face Book

The F.B.I. has entered the social space creating phony profiles in an effort to expose, disrupt, misdirect, discredit, or otherwise neutralize dissidents.  Distant acquaintances and “friends” who post: at the gym; waiting in line; griping; “quoting” Maya Angelou and sharing pictures in grammatically/syntactically incorrect prose are in fact bored and overpaid analysts @ Quantico.


Raised Lettering

Machine gun sight’s markings include “2COR4:6” and “JN8:12’. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians reads: “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,” and John 8:12 reads: ‘I am the light of the world.”

Optics guide soldiers in more ways than death.


Salutations “Faggot”

As William S. <Last Name With held> left the Cannon House Office Building he spat on Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.) in protest against healthcare. For further emphasis he called Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) a “faggot.” Fortunately he won’t be denied care because of his Tourettes—a pre-existing condition—and “uninformed” hasn’t made it yet as a valid disorder in the DSM IV TR.

So Get Up-ah…

A Nov. 26 article in the District edition of Local Living incorrectly stated a Public Enemy song declared 9/11 a joke. The song refers to 911, the emergency phone number. However, both depend entirely on successful delivery of the punch line.


Shitty Econ 2010

Goldman Sachs—financial alchemists—transmuting bullshit into billions.


How To Be An Effective Dissident

Step 7 is predicated on the idea that repressive societies are always “listening” to dissidents using bugs, wiretapping, and keyword and proxy surveillance.

An addendum to Step 7: Assume ALL societies are repressive.

Instead of counting calories or decimal points on pay stubs, begin counting cameras.


God <3’s Ass-play

Westborough Baptist Church “Pastor” Fred Phelps A.K.A., The Tall Man, is rumored to have in his possession an alarming collection of erotic contraband including anal beads, nipple clamps, dildos and cases of amyl nitrate in various dispensers—capsules, droppers, pressurized nasal inhalers. The anal beads prove to be the most fascinating of his collection and range in diameter from marble and jawbreaker sizes to melon and grapefruit.


If Critics Wrote Obituaries

Man kills self, wife and children is as familiar feeling as it is difficult to pinpoint. A man killing his family is a welcome reminder that murder suicide doesn’t have to be bombastic to feel huge and important. Though not quite coming out of nowhere, this murder suicide seems like a surprise gift—a striking consolidation of societal malaise.


The New Postal Service

Mutant carrier pigeons have revolutionized the postal industry. Paid in Genetically Modified corn, the Condor-sized birds are able to boast the lowest cartage fees. However, their feces have crushed subcompacts, killing passengers and causing major traffic congestion near the rookeries. Presently, they have been relieved of duty until an equestrian type “bun-bag” can be successfully affixed to their massive fan-shaped tails.


Vacation Proposal

Prepared for: 30 Million Dollar Mercenary

By: McNamara Vacation Inc.

After a splash in the surf at Labadee, disembark Royal Caribbean ports-of-call—Lauderdale or St. Maarten. Lear-and-land Matara. Snorkel Nilaveli.

Four-poster suite @ Unawatuna. Guided MP3 air-tour on a Mil Mi-24 over Kilinochchi. See water buffalo, paddy fields; anticipate possible use of 12.7 mm nose cannon.

New York Times Travel Guide recommended best ‘best places’ to visit 2010.

Addendum: Additional Pepper Coast tour hosted by Xe on chartered patrol boat with 4 days, 3 nights in West Point for homemade napalm classes (diesel fuel and polystyrene foam provided). Depart Port-Gentil, arrive Cape Mesurado—dinner aboard petroleum tanker No Bid Transport. Package includes intimate tour of double hull ‘Xe rendition client’ holding area by Erik Prince.


Rick James: Cold Blooded
[1] Through his autopsy it was discovered singer and songwriter Rick James was under the influence of alprazolam, diazepam, bupropion, citalopram, hydrocodone, digoxin, chlorpheniramine, methamphetamine and cocaine.[2] However the coroner would go on to say; “None of the drugs or drug combinations were found to be at levels that were life threatening in and of themselves. The cause of death was ruled acute cardiac dysfunction due to idiopathic cardiomyopathy, or an enlarged heart.” And that, “He didn’t die of a drug overdose.” [3] In conclusion, Rick James died from having an excessive amount of heart.

Mexican Shoe Thief and Mexican Camel Tow

Here’s a two fer free download of Cabron’s magnum opus’ Mexican Camel Tow and Mexican Shoe Thief.

Mexican Camel Tow:
Mexican Shoe Thief:

Getting Quoted in the NY Times

I found this article from a search this afternoon, trying out the new search engine that apparently has cracked the puzzle on image based search results. and they’re also screening ‘porn’ results. meaning if you type in ‘lingerie’ you get links to Vicky’s and not Hustler. I dunno, I can’t test that one during lunch…

[quick comment on redzee: its not that great to look at but it is laid out in an interesting way. it could use some design clean up. search results were average and I didn’t get ‘image’ only results. further investigation will be required.]

I wanted to test it out so I searched my name. I usually get similar results from say google or yahoo but I lucked upon this article that came out long before Murdoch’s hostile buyout. When I worked at my old job, nobody raised an eyebrow when I got quoted in this NY Times article by noted times writer, Jeff Leeds. Such was the spirit of my old employ. A dichotomy of emotion. Soul crushingly frustrating at times in its pig-headed bureaucracy then life affirming and uplifting at other times. Such is the corporate process. I digress. Anyway, this was an article that came out at the height of the whole Queen going on tour with Paul Rodgers, singer of Bad Company. I was always a fan of Bad Company, they were, after all, one of the first bands signed to Zeppelin’s Swan Song label in the 70’s. “Feel Like Makin’ Love” is a pretty bad ass song right? The kind of song you hear in your head when you’re about to bed down someone after going to do 70’s era arena rock karaoke…er something. I missed his phone call the first time. Then I called him back and left some long winded (can you believe I’d leave a long winded message?) about legacy and the voice of a band.

I don’t get excited about too much but it was cool to see my name in the NY Times, even though it wasn’t as a contributing writer or lead.

“Jim Morrison wasn’t just some yahoo singing for the Doors, he was a personality,” said Shane Roeschlein, editor in chief of an online music magazine, “Morrison was much like a limb on a body. So in that aspect, if you lost your arm you’d get a prosthetic and it could be a really good and realistic prosthetic arm but it’d never be your arm.” For fans familiar with a band’s original identity, he added, there would be “a cycle of diminishing returns – always eyeballing that slightly plastic looking appendage.”

Heres a link to the whole article if you want to check it out. Doesn’t Paul Rodgers look like a brit Danny Bonnadouche?