Designer Rebel
Espousing Jihad Chic: Olive Drab Shemagh Kafiya; Duo-tone Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses; Desert-Camo iPhone Case; Versace bomb belt; hand-sewn Cavalli bandolier; Kalashnikov w/ USB and headphone jack (dig the latest Faakhir Mehmood); KidRobot branded SIM-card reprogrammer (screen printed to look like an IED). Balaà, coolest mutha fuckin’ insurgent in Karachi.
Federal Bureau of In Your Face Book
The F.B.I. has entered the social space creating phony profiles in an effort to expose, disrupt, misdirect, discredit, or otherwise neutralize dissidents. Distant acquaintances and “friends” who post: at the gym; waiting in line; griping; “quoting” Maya Angelou and sharing pictures in grammatically/syntactically incorrect prose are in fact bored and overpaid analysts @ Quantico.
Raised Lettering
Machine gun sight’s markings include “2COR4:6” and “JN8:12’. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians reads: “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,” and John 8:12 reads: ‘I am the light of the world.”
Optics guide soldiers in more ways than death.
Salutations “Faggot”
As William S. <Last Name With held> left the Cannon House Office Building he spat on Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.) in protest against healthcare. For further emphasis he called Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA.) a “faggot.” Fortunately he won’t be denied care because of his Tourettes—a pre-existing condition—and “uninformed” hasn’t made it yet as a valid disorder in the DSM IV TR.
So Get Up-ah…
A Nov. 26 article in the District edition of Local Living incorrectly stated a Public Enemy song declared 9/11 a joke. The song refers to 911, the emergency phone number. However, both depend entirely on successful delivery of the punch line.
Shitty Econ 2010
Goldman Sachs—financial alchemists—transmuting bullshit into billions.
How To Be An Effective Dissident
Step 7 is predicated on the idea that repressive societies are always “listening” to dissidents using bugs, wiretapping, and keyword and proxy surveillance.
An addendum to Step 7: Assume ALL societies are repressive.
Instead of counting calories or decimal points on pay stubs, begin counting cameras.
God <3’s Ass-play
Westborough Baptist Church “Pastor” Fred Phelps A.K.A., The Tall Man, is rumored to have in his possession an alarming collection of erotic contraband including anal beads, nipple clamps, dildos and cases of amyl nitrate in various dispensers—capsules, droppers, pressurized nasal inhalers. The anal beads prove to be the most fascinating of his collection and range in diameter from marble and jawbreaker sizes to melon and grapefruit.
If Critics Wrote Obituaries
Man kills self, wife and children is as familiar feeling as it is difficult to pinpoint. A man killing his family is a welcome reminder that murder suicide doesn’t have to be bombastic to feel huge and important. Though not quite coming out of nowhere, this murder suicide seems like a surprise gift—a striking consolidation of societal malaise.
The New Postal Service
Mutant carrier pigeons have revolutionized the postal industry. Paid in Genetically Modified corn, the Condor-sized birds are able to boast the lowest cartage fees. However, their feces have crushed subcompacts, killing passengers and causing major traffic congestion near the rookeries. Presently, they have been relieved of duty until an equestrian type “bun-bag” can be successfully affixed to their massive fan-shaped tails.
Vacation Proposal
Prepared for: 30 Million Dollar Mercenary
By: McNamara Vacation Inc.
After a splash in the surf at Labadee, disembark Royal Caribbean ports-of-call—Lauderdale or St. Maarten. Lear-and-land Matara. Snorkel Nilaveli.
Four-poster suite @ Unawatuna. Guided MP3 air-tour on a Mil Mi-24 over Kilinochchi. See water buffalo, paddy fields; anticipate possible use of 12.7 mm nose cannon.
New York Times Travel Guide recommended best ‘best places’ to visit 2010.
Addendum: Additional Pepper Coast tour hosted by Xe on chartered patrol boat with 4 days, 3 nights in West Point for homemade napalm classes (diesel fuel and polystyrene foam provided). Depart Port-Gentil, arrive Cape Mesurado—dinner aboard petroleum tanker No Bid Transport. Package includes intimate tour of double hull ‘Xe rendition client’ holding area by Erik Prince.
Rick James: Cold Blooded
[1] Through his autopsy it was discovered singer and songwriter Rick James was under the influence of alprazolam, diazepam, bupropion, citalopram, hydrocodone, digoxin, chlorpheniramine, methamphetamine and cocaine.[2] However the coroner would go on to say; “None of the drugs or drug combinations were found to be at levels that were life threatening in and of themselves. The cause of death was ruled acute cardiac dysfunction due to idiopathic cardiomyopathy, or an enlarged heart.” And that, “He didn’t die of a drug overdose.” [3] In conclusion, Rick James died from having an excessive amount of heart.
A Coat of Red Paint In Hell 